4/14/10 Good News, Gratitude

Luke and I went to see Dr K (chiropractor), and Dr M (physical therapist.) I love Dr Mike. He loves animals and he's kind. Very kind. He looked sad today. I wasn't sure what was wrong. I thought that maybe he didn't feel well, or that there was something wrong with his pet, Miss Kitty.

Luke and I were waiting for MD results. As I'm ready to leave the office , I hear Dr K's wife answering a patient phone call. Dr Mike's mom died suddenly. No wonder he looked sad. I went to Starbucks to get him a gift. It isn't much, but it will let him know that Luke and I care. (He loves Starbucks) And we are waiting for these results.

We get home to a message on the machine. Luke's first test (MD had said 50/50 to be all right) was fine. Thank you , Thank you Prem for being our spiritual father and dear friend, thank you Holy Mothers for protecting us.

Luke isn't feeling well. We're supposed to go to B town tomorrow but he's blowing his nose and his eyes are red. Is it a cold or an allergy. If he's got a cold, he shouldn't go anywhere. He's got to keep up his strength for Wed which is his early a.m. surgery. Hopefully we are burning off oodles of karma. Hopefully we'll both learn "easy lessons."

We work on our taxes. I shred a giant amount of papers. It feels good to be getting rid of papers that were lying around gathering dust for years. Like old ideas. Shred them. Get rid of them. Not so easy with ideas that have been running a being for so many life times (or years if you like that better.)

I go shopping for Rain. Interesting. She was willing to sacrifice to come to Indy and be with Luke and me on surgery day.

4/12/10 Meditation Class, Target

There was a new student in meditation class. I couldn't find my candle. Yuck. I had one in my giant purse but where? Finally I had to start without the candle. That always worries me. I feel like I haven't made my offering to God. I worry that the class won't be blessed. Today, instead of a real candle, I offered the fragrant flowers of my love for God. The moment that I surrendered in that way, God came into the meditation class and into my heart. The shakti in the room was deep and incredibly peaceful. I slipped between the lines and feel into a deep meditation.

I'm not sure how the class went or even what was said. I do know that the reading featured methods for stilling the mind. My fav is to see something so great and so awesome that you're mind stills and you feel a rising of joy within. What's even greater is that the whole world is filled with God's greatness and that all his creation is awesome--from a blade of grass to a cup of coffee. Whatever makes you smile.

Being a painter, the colors and lights in grass always mades me smile. And in spring the beautiful colors of flowers pushing up towards the sun. Yummmy .

I went to Target to try and find a thermos. I didn't find one that I liked. Where to look next? I'm not sure. I did however find a lot of other things that I needed like three big acorn squashes which Luke and I love, gardinia puja candles (only at Target) , and a stain stick for when you spill your coffee on your top and don't have time to change. (I didn't find the one I wanted, so we'll see.)

I had a meditation that was very special but I don't want to share.

4/11/10 The mind is like a tornado. How to stop it?

Today Luke played a rehearsal and concert that has been a bone of contention with us. I don't want my mind to play in the negative realms. Also, I don't want to siphon positive energy from Luke. But my mind is hard to control.

We shouldn't talk about any issues right now. You know how it is. If you can't talk about an elephant in the room, you might meditate on it. Yes. If you think of anything on a regular basis, it's meditation.

I have added practices to my journey. I've memorized prayers that are beautiful and I'm repeating those prayers twice or more a day. This moves the negative thoughts out of their position of control

I'm very tired. Instead of feeling stress and worry--we're looking at surgery and news from the mole surgery--I am working to express the healing Goddess. I visualize this healing energy as surrounding me in ripples. Blessing ALL who come in contact with me.

Here's another example that it's beginning to work. A man came into NM to buy a pain killing ointment for his dog, who just had surgery. He talked to me and in the end didn't want to leave the store. He was worried about his dog and he wanted to revel in the divine healing mother (not me as I know myself and as my dear one's know me). The customers seemed (for the most part) to feel --well--happy in the company of this energy.

I do love Matt like a son. When he told me how sick he's been, I felt faint. But I fought back. I didn't fight as hard as I would have liked to. Still I could step back and pray that he'd be all right. I pray for Matt every night and hope that those special prayers were with him during his healing crises.

At dinner with Em and Bobby, Evan came. He opened up to me and we talked from the heart. Maybe for the first time. So even here, this healing energy is changing things and bringing more light.

Now I need to work on being in the healing energy with Luke tonight. NOT decending into the hell of negativity.

Another experience. As we were driving into our garage (after dinner), our neighbor's baby was at the door. His parents opened the door so we could visit with him. And thier dog came right over. Usually she heads right for Luke. Tonight, she came to me. And the baby and the new adorable little white puppy (so soft and cute.)

4/9/10 Nature's Market, Conversation with a friend

I went to Nature's Market. Yay. It's a place where I can do some good. Help people.

There weren't many customers, but I was able to help a few people. It's joyful. An older woman came in wanting something for her skin. She'd picked up her vitamin, but someone told her that if she rubbed lemon aromatherapy on her wrinkles that they'd go away. She was looking at the aromatherapy in a bewildered way. Instead, I gave her a sample of Anne Borlind's System Absolute. She's going to love it, and I hope she comes back for more. I showed her how to use the products and she left the store with a happy smile.

One of my co-workers is going through a hard, hard time. (Without going into her details.) She asked me why I left St Lukes. I confided that I'm confused. I know that I want God in my life and I want to belong to a spiritual community. Yet, I don't know who I am or what I want. I do know that wherever I go --yoga has to be a big, big part of my spiritual journey.

She is going through her own spiritual challenge (and bitter life challenge). She's never shown me her face before. She's always made light of everything, even if it tore her heart out. It's the first time that she's confided in me. I felt honored. I promised to include her in my family prayers.

I think and I hope that people are beginning to feel the rising of the Healing Goddess in me.

I was tired at the end of my NM day. I'm going through a huge challenge in relation to Luke's healtlh journey. I'm extra tired. In the past, I would be freaking out. God took pity on me and brought me closer. I'm grateful. Very. Very grateful.

A strange thing. I wrote Rain an e-mail about Luke's health. Only I didn't send the e-mail to Rain, I sent it to her father-in-law. OMG. He wrote that he has his own challenges and that he'll pray for us. A lot to think about.

4/8/10 Skin MD, a new challenge, Fab recital

I got up even earlier today. I got myself to bed a little earlier last night. about an hour, so I could get up. I got up and prayed--for Luke and for me.

We went to the skin MD. He examined Luke. The mole was suspect. He took it off, and sent it away. I felt nervous but was able to settle my mind so I could support Luke. He says that he's cool and believes that he's fine. I plan to keep praying. MD's freak me out.

We went home and worked on our papers. The taxes got done ( our part of the work) and we handed them in to our CPA. Then, as a treat we got more of those beautiful clear glass dishes that we like so much.

We came home for a rest before leaving for Tricia's recital. I was floored. Tricia was giving a freshman recital (she didn't have to do it) It was huge and amazingly well played. She ended with a piece that was composed by her new boyfriend. The piece rocked. I started a new song. I heard lyrics as Tricia played the violin and her boyfriend (composer) played the piano.

I love Tricia's family. Eleven kids--all home schooled. The parents are great--natural, real.

I spoke with young composer. We had a great conversation about writing for God.

4/7/10 I am angry, although I don't want to be angry

I was very, very tired this morning. Even though I slept a normal amount of time. My eyes were hot and heavy and I could feel a little sore throat coming on. I feel distracted.

My inner state is quieter than last week. Still not as I'd wish it to be. I know that the Goddess is within me. But where? Sometimes She comes briefly, but, I want to be merged with Her. To have her always there.

I've added a prayer to my journey. We'll see.

On the way to Dr K (chiropractor and idealist), I talk to Judy B. She and I talk about guys ( our husbands). I'm angry with Luke. I hoped that he'd step back from his work at Butler and etc.

and spend time doing for himself, for us, and for the future of both. Today he's busy all day doing the Butler thing. I feel angry.

Later Luke calls to say that he's doing even more extra work and I start to cry. When he calls me later, I fight with him. I promised myself that I wouldn't fight with him. I know he needs energy for the surgery and MD stuff ahead. I don't want to lose control. Anger gets the best of me.

When Luke comes home, we fight some more, and then go upstairs to do our work. We're not fighting. I'm calm again. I know we'll have to deal, but not now. So it's a victory for me--in my fight against the wild and ugly side of my mind.

4/6/10 Buttsky, Salon 7000

Okay. I'm afraid of doctors. I don't fully trust them and they mean --scarey possibilities. They never say--do a cleanse, take this nutrient or anything that would be natural to the body. They want to do surgery and cut things and test things.

I'm very attached to Luke. I'm working on it. You can be attached to the God within someone else but not their body. Lots of luck. You have to know the Self inorder to live in the eternal reality.

All this is an intro to our morning. Again, I'm up early for me. In other times, I'd be sick. My immunity is getting stronger. That said, I got up to accompany Luke to the butt MD. What do they call it? practology. Or something. Dr Harrison provided us with a young MD who took Luke's vital info. She was comforting. She answered our questions. We had a lot of questions because it's our first brush with surgery. Dr H came in and said that we are fortunate. Fortunate that we are so naturally healthy.

In MD offices I see how much I need to work on my sadhana. Hopefully this will be a hard lesson that turns out easy and leaves me with a new and more intense direction for my spiritual journey.

At home, I did 15 min of my 1/2 hr hatha routine. It's a first. If I don't do my pracitces on time, I don't do them at all. But . . . it's the third day that I've missed hatha and that can't be. It's a break through.

I'm so tired. It's one of many days of lost sleep.

On the light side, Kate Gossling (I'm a fan) can not dance. (Dancing With The Stars) But she's got a strong spirit and . . . she made it through another elimination week. She wasn't even in the bottom two. Yay.

4/5/10 meditation, conversation, dinner for Em

I have been working on memorizing prayers and the words of the Saints. This is bringing me to a more still place within , AND it shows in meditation class. I flow with the Shakti in a deeper and more authentic way. Everyone feels it. New student today. A young woman who is gentle in spirit and needs to relax. She was perfect.

Today, Luke and I went for our conversation ride. We had a lot to talk about. What I hope for Luke is that he comes out of this health deal--affirming perfect health. He is a powerful creator of . . . well, anything he really wants. Pray. Pray. Pray.

We drop off our bags of stuff we don't need and want to share with others. There's a place that gives women one day a month to get what they want and need free. We like to give our shares to that place.

In honor of Em's new (hard earned job) I invite her to dinner, and make her fav--barely soup. I tried a new and delicious twist (that I got from Iron Chef) and both Em and Luke loved it. No, I'm not sharing my secret. I had some soup as well. Yummm. We had a lovely evening.

Christian S is a great designer. Great. I wish I could get him to design a gown for me. I'd have to make an achievement in the world. Hummm.

4/4/10 Easter

We've been getting ready for Easter week-end. Rain and her family are joining us and we'll send time with Em and Bobby and their kids. I was sharing with a friend, "Easter is about chocolate bunnies, kids, family, and the magic of the risen Christ. "

Last night we decided not to go to Church. No one felt up for it. I've gone to Church for years without really getting it. Now I won't go, but I'll focus on meaning. What does Easter mean to me?

Ressurection. In a human way, we drop down the rabbit hole in our lives. Who doesn't know that feeling. It's too much. How will I pick myself up and get it together. What am I doing here?

In Dec, I bought a painting of a phoenix in bright, vivid colors. Luke and I love it. We keep it at the foot of our landing (stairs going up) At night when I go past the painting which I call "Phoenix Rising, " I meditate on renewal. Easter is renewal. It's time to be more divine and to become closer to the Divine within.

And it's time to eat chocolate, share food with family, hide eggs and appreciate all that we have been given. Showered by the Divine. Showered with abundance and grace.

4/2/10 A lot of changes

Oh Thursday, we went to B town for a gala. Every year, Rain and Ryan invite us to a fund raising event for Babs--an organization that provides support for women who want to give birth and nurture their babies in a more natural way. It's nice that they're proud of us and want to show us off to their friends.

Rain is a big fan of Babs. She got so much support for her first childbirth experience. (second as well) When she ran into obstacles, Babs was there. Now she wants to give back. We support her.

The event was amazing. The theme was Alice in Wonderland. I don't get theme dressed, but I was into a smaller size and felt excited. We met some of Rain and Ry's friends which is always fun. I like silent auctions because I can get something fun and help a worthy organization at the same time.

I got a great pair of silver earings at 1/2 price. And took on another charitiy project that's related to my art. (for next year's gala) I'm going to do a mother and child.

Okay here's the magic part. We left B town late. I was tired and still had to drive home (about and hour and a half) I wanted to get a coke to wake me up. Luke was worried that it would keep me awake at night. So . . . . instead I went inside and asked the Goddess/healer that dwells in all--"If you are there, please let me get a rush of good health energy and alertness. "

I wasn't expecting anything. The energy rose and Luke was present to witness it. I drove hom easily.

I had a dream. You know that I'm struggling with where my true sprititual community is. In the dream, Luke and I were walking in our neighborhood (no cane could this be a promise for the future?) when I spotted a house that I knew was an Indian center. We went inside. There was a man who looked like Nayna's brother. He was working on a computor ( like N's brother really does) Then, there was another man, a non Indian woman, older, and two children--a boy and a girl ( young, maybe 5 and 7 ) I was wanting someone to give me information, to kind of want me in the spiritual community. No one cared. I went up to the woman and said I've been involved in yoga since I was two. She didn't care. No one gave us any literature. So we took a brochure and left. We were the first to leave the building but there on our front lawn was the woman with the kids sitting on either side of her. I felt that they were a Goddess and two divine kids. How else could they get to our house so fast and be waiting for us?

I'll be thinking about this dream for sometime to come.