4/14/10 Good News, Gratitude

Luke and I went to see Dr K (chiropractor), and Dr M (physical therapist.) I love Dr Mike. He loves animals and he's kind. Very kind. He looked sad today. I wasn't sure what was wrong. I thought that maybe he didn't feel well, or that there was something wrong with his pet, Miss Kitty.

Luke and I were waiting for MD results. As I'm ready to leave the office , I hear Dr K's wife answering a patient phone call. Dr Mike's mom died suddenly. No wonder he looked sad. I went to Starbucks to get him a gift. It isn't much, but it will let him know that Luke and I care. (He loves Starbucks) And we are waiting for these results.

We get home to a message on the machine. Luke's first test (MD had said 50/50 to be all right) was fine. Thank you , Thank you Prem for being our spiritual father and dear friend, thank you Holy Mothers for protecting us.

Luke isn't feeling well. We're supposed to go to B town tomorrow but he's blowing his nose and his eyes are red. Is it a cold or an allergy. If he's got a cold, he shouldn't go anywhere. He's got to keep up his strength for Wed which is his early a.m. surgery. Hopefully we are burning off oodles of karma. Hopefully we'll both learn "easy lessons."

We work on our taxes. I shred a giant amount of papers. It feels good to be getting rid of papers that were lying around gathering dust for years. Like old ideas. Shred them. Get rid of them. Not so easy with ideas that have been running a being for so many life times (or years if you like that better.)

I go shopping for Rain. Interesting. She was willing to sacrifice to come to Indy and be with Luke and me on surgery day.

4/12/10 Meditation Class, Target

There was a new student in meditation class. I couldn't find my candle. Yuck. I had one in my giant purse but where? Finally I had to start without the candle. That always worries me. I feel like I haven't made my offering to God. I worry that the class won't be blessed. Today, instead of a real candle, I offered the fragrant flowers of my love for God. The moment that I surrendered in that way, God came into the meditation class and into my heart. The shakti in the room was deep and incredibly peaceful. I slipped between the lines and feel into a deep meditation.

I'm not sure how the class went or even what was said. I do know that the reading featured methods for stilling the mind. My fav is to see something so great and so awesome that you're mind stills and you feel a rising of joy within. What's even greater is that the whole world is filled with God's greatness and that all his creation is awesome--from a blade of grass to a cup of coffee. Whatever makes you smile.

Being a painter, the colors and lights in grass always mades me smile. And in spring the beautiful colors of flowers pushing up towards the sun. Yummmy .

I went to Target to try and find a thermos. I didn't find one that I liked. Where to look next? I'm not sure. I did however find a lot of other things that I needed like three big acorn squashes which Luke and I love, gardinia puja candles (only at Target) , and a stain stick for when you spill your coffee on your top and don't have time to change. (I didn't find the one I wanted, so we'll see.)

I had a meditation that was very special but I don't want to share.

4/11/10 The mind is like a tornado. How to stop it?

Today Luke played a rehearsal and concert that has been a bone of contention with us. I don't want my mind to play in the negative realms. Also, I don't want to siphon positive energy from Luke. But my mind is hard to control.

We shouldn't talk about any issues right now. You know how it is. If you can't talk about an elephant in the room, you might meditate on it. Yes. If you think of anything on a regular basis, it's meditation.

I have added practices to my journey. I've memorized prayers that are beautiful and I'm repeating those prayers twice or more a day. This moves the negative thoughts out of their position of control

I'm very tired. Instead of feeling stress and worry--we're looking at surgery and news from the mole surgery--I am working to express the healing Goddess. I visualize this healing energy as surrounding me in ripples. Blessing ALL who come in contact with me.

Here's another example that it's beginning to work. A man came into NM to buy a pain killing ointment for his dog, who just had surgery. He talked to me and in the end didn't want to leave the store. He was worried about his dog and he wanted to revel in the divine healing mother (not me as I know myself and as my dear one's know me). The customers seemed (for the most part) to feel --well--happy in the company of this energy.

I do love Matt like a son. When he told me how sick he's been, I felt faint. But I fought back. I didn't fight as hard as I would have liked to. Still I could step back and pray that he'd be all right. I pray for Matt every night and hope that those special prayers were with him during his healing crises.

At dinner with Em and Bobby, Evan came. He opened up to me and we talked from the heart. Maybe for the first time. So even here, this healing energy is changing things and bringing more light.

Now I need to work on being in the healing energy with Luke tonight. NOT decending into the hell of negativity.

Another experience. As we were driving into our garage (after dinner), our neighbor's baby was at the door. His parents opened the door so we could visit with him. And thier dog came right over. Usually she heads right for Luke. Tonight, she came to me. And the baby and the new adorable little white puppy (so soft and cute.)

4/9/10 Nature's Market, Conversation with a friend

I went to Nature's Market. Yay. It's a place where I can do some good. Help people.

There weren't many customers, but I was able to help a few people. It's joyful. An older woman came in wanting something for her skin. She'd picked up her vitamin, but someone told her that if she rubbed lemon aromatherapy on her wrinkles that they'd go away. She was looking at the aromatherapy in a bewildered way. Instead, I gave her a sample of Anne Borlind's System Absolute. She's going to love it, and I hope she comes back for more. I showed her how to use the products and she left the store with a happy smile.

One of my co-workers is going through a hard, hard time. (Without going into her details.) She asked me why I left St Lukes. I confided that I'm confused. I know that I want God in my life and I want to belong to a spiritual community. Yet, I don't know who I am or what I want. I do know that wherever I go --yoga has to be a big, big part of my spiritual journey.

She is going through her own spiritual challenge (and bitter life challenge). She's never shown me her face before. She's always made light of everything, even if it tore her heart out. It's the first time that she's confided in me. I felt honored. I promised to include her in my family prayers.

I think and I hope that people are beginning to feel the rising of the Healing Goddess in me.

I was tired at the end of my NM day. I'm going through a huge challenge in relation to Luke's healtlh journey. I'm extra tired. In the past, I would be freaking out. God took pity on me and brought me closer. I'm grateful. Very. Very grateful.

A strange thing. I wrote Rain an e-mail about Luke's health. Only I didn't send the e-mail to Rain, I sent it to her father-in-law. OMG. He wrote that he has his own challenges and that he'll pray for us. A lot to think about.

4/8/10 Skin MD, a new challenge, Fab recital

I got up even earlier today. I got myself to bed a little earlier last night. about an hour, so I could get up. I got up and prayed--for Luke and for me.

We went to the skin MD. He examined Luke. The mole was suspect. He took it off, and sent it away. I felt nervous but was able to settle my mind so I could support Luke. He says that he's cool and believes that he's fine. I plan to keep praying. MD's freak me out.

We went home and worked on our papers. The taxes got done ( our part of the work) and we handed them in to our CPA. Then, as a treat we got more of those beautiful clear glass dishes that we like so much.

We came home for a rest before leaving for Tricia's recital. I was floored. Tricia was giving a freshman recital (she didn't have to do it) It was huge and amazingly well played. She ended with a piece that was composed by her new boyfriend. The piece rocked. I started a new song. I heard lyrics as Tricia played the violin and her boyfriend (composer) played the piano.

I love Tricia's family. Eleven kids--all home schooled. The parents are great--natural, real.

I spoke with young composer. We had a great conversation about writing for God.

4/7/10 I am angry, although I don't want to be angry

I was very, very tired this morning. Even though I slept a normal amount of time. My eyes were hot and heavy and I could feel a little sore throat coming on. I feel distracted.

My inner state is quieter than last week. Still not as I'd wish it to be. I know that the Goddess is within me. But where? Sometimes She comes briefly, but, I want to be merged with Her. To have her always there.

I've added a prayer to my journey. We'll see.

On the way to Dr K (chiropractor and idealist), I talk to Judy B. She and I talk about guys ( our husbands). I'm angry with Luke. I hoped that he'd step back from his work at Butler and etc.

and spend time doing for himself, for us, and for the future of both. Today he's busy all day doing the Butler thing. I feel angry.

Later Luke calls to say that he's doing even more extra work and I start to cry. When he calls me later, I fight with him. I promised myself that I wouldn't fight with him. I know he needs energy for the surgery and MD stuff ahead. I don't want to lose control. Anger gets the best of me.

When Luke comes home, we fight some more, and then go upstairs to do our work. We're not fighting. I'm calm again. I know we'll have to deal, but not now. So it's a victory for me--in my fight against the wild and ugly side of my mind.

4/6/10 Buttsky, Salon 7000

Okay. I'm afraid of doctors. I don't fully trust them and they mean --scarey possibilities. They never say--do a cleanse, take this nutrient or anything that would be natural to the body. They want to do surgery and cut things and test things.

I'm very attached to Luke. I'm working on it. You can be attached to the God within someone else but not their body. Lots of luck. You have to know the Self inorder to live in the eternal reality.

All this is an intro to our morning. Again, I'm up early for me. In other times, I'd be sick. My immunity is getting stronger. That said, I got up to accompany Luke to the butt MD. What do they call it? practology. Or something. Dr Harrison provided us with a young MD who took Luke's vital info. She was comforting. She answered our questions. We had a lot of questions because it's our first brush with surgery. Dr H came in and said that we are fortunate. Fortunate that we are so naturally healthy.

In MD offices I see how much I need to work on my sadhana. Hopefully this will be a hard lesson that turns out easy and leaves me with a new and more intense direction for my spiritual journey.

At home, I did 15 min of my 1/2 hr hatha routine. It's a first. If I don't do my pracitces on time, I don't do them at all. But . . . it's the third day that I've missed hatha and that can't be. It's a break through.

I'm so tired. It's one of many days of lost sleep.

On the light side, Kate Gossling (I'm a fan) can not dance. (Dancing With The Stars) But she's got a strong spirit and . . . she made it through another elimination week. She wasn't even in the bottom two. Yay.

4/5/10 meditation, conversation, dinner for Em

I have been working on memorizing prayers and the words of the Saints. This is bringing me to a more still place within , AND it shows in meditation class. I flow with the Shakti in a deeper and more authentic way. Everyone feels it. New student today. A young woman who is gentle in spirit and needs to relax. She was perfect.

Today, Luke and I went for our conversation ride. We had a lot to talk about. What I hope for Luke is that he comes out of this health deal--affirming perfect health. He is a powerful creator of . . . well, anything he really wants. Pray. Pray. Pray.

We drop off our bags of stuff we don't need and want to share with others. There's a place that gives women one day a month to get what they want and need free. We like to give our shares to that place.

In honor of Em's new (hard earned job) I invite her to dinner, and make her fav--barely soup. I tried a new and delicious twist (that I got from Iron Chef) and both Em and Luke loved it. No, I'm not sharing my secret. I had some soup as well. Yummm. We had a lovely evening.

Christian S is a great designer. Great. I wish I could get him to design a gown for me. I'd have to make an achievement in the world. Hummm.

4/4/10 Easter

We've been getting ready for Easter week-end. Rain and her family are joining us and we'll send time with Em and Bobby and their kids. I was sharing with a friend, "Easter is about chocolate bunnies, kids, family, and the magic of the risen Christ. "

Last night we decided not to go to Church. No one felt up for it. I've gone to Church for years without really getting it. Now I won't go, but I'll focus on meaning. What does Easter mean to me?

Ressurection. In a human way, we drop down the rabbit hole in our lives. Who doesn't know that feeling. It's too much. How will I pick myself up and get it together. What am I doing here?

In Dec, I bought a painting of a phoenix in bright, vivid colors. Luke and I love it. We keep it at the foot of our landing (stairs going up) At night when I go past the painting which I call "Phoenix Rising, " I meditate on renewal. Easter is renewal. It's time to be more divine and to become closer to the Divine within.

And it's time to eat chocolate, share food with family, hide eggs and appreciate all that we have been given. Showered by the Divine. Showered with abundance and grace.

4/2/10 A lot of changes

Oh Thursday, we went to B town for a gala. Every year, Rain and Ryan invite us to a fund raising event for Babs--an organization that provides support for women who want to give birth and nurture their babies in a more natural way. It's nice that they're proud of us and want to show us off to their friends.

Rain is a big fan of Babs. She got so much support for her first childbirth experience. (second as well) When she ran into obstacles, Babs was there. Now she wants to give back. We support her.

The event was amazing. The theme was Alice in Wonderland. I don't get theme dressed, but I was into a smaller size and felt excited. We met some of Rain and Ry's friends which is always fun. I like silent auctions because I can get something fun and help a worthy organization at the same time.

I got a great pair of silver earings at 1/2 price. And took on another charitiy project that's related to my art. (for next year's gala) I'm going to do a mother and child.

Okay here's the magic part. We left B town late. I was tired and still had to drive home (about and hour and a half) I wanted to get a coke to wake me up. Luke was worried that it would keep me awake at night. So . . . . instead I went inside and asked the Goddess/healer that dwells in all--"If you are there, please let me get a rush of good health energy and alertness. "

I wasn't expecting anything. The energy rose and Luke was present to witness it. I drove hom easily.

I had a dream. You know that I'm struggling with where my true sprititual community is. In the dream, Luke and I were walking in our neighborhood (no cane could this be a promise for the future?) when I spotted a house that I knew was an Indian center. We went inside. There was a man who looked like Nayna's brother. He was working on a computor ( like N's brother really does) Then, there was another man, a non Indian woman, older, and two children--a boy and a girl ( young, maybe 5 and 7 ) I was wanting someone to give me information, to kind of want me in the spiritual community. No one cared. I went up to the woman and said I've been involved in yoga since I was two. She didn't care. No one gave us any literature. So we took a brochure and left. We were the first to leave the building but there on our front lawn was the woman with the kids sitting on either side of her. I felt that they were a Goddess and two divine kids. How else could they get to our house so fast and be waiting for us?

I'll be thinking about this dream for sometime to come.

2/29 The MD appointment, taxes

The challenge of this time is big. We went to see the surgeon that Dr H recommended. Yes, Luke has a hernia. He's not the only guy in the world who has this issue, but he's my guy. And that's what attachment does to you. I know that I'm filling our space with negative vibs. They are also going to do a colonoscopy. This scares me. Why lie. I know that Luke has had some trouble with his stomach. And the mind tends to lead you down the garden path. If you let it. Anyway the colon MD is across the hall from the hernia guy, and we'll see him next tuesday.

They'll do both surgeries on the same day. The day to be determined.

I do feel a trust for Dr A (hernia guy). He's a D.O. like Dr H. He does a process that will not require much medication and Luke can come home the same day. He told us a story that I loved to hear. Two friends had to have the same hernia surgery. The patient that Dr A did was on his feet right away. He went to visit his friend in the hospital. He had to show his scar so that his friend would believe he had surgery.

So I can decide. Do I want to whine and feel sick until the surgery is over. OR do I want to work on my inner healer? Do I want to imagine that my inner Goddess of Healing can heal Luke and me and all those who we love and all those who enter our circle and need prayer. Do I want to act like I believe that prayer heals. I say I believe this. Do I?

Actually, I do feel something going on within? Something that I haven't experienced before. I'm turning more of my attention to this place. Teach me easy lessons Lord. But let me learn.

Then we did our taxes. And then we watched our fav shows on t.v.

3/25/10 Flu, B town, Healing Energy

Yesterday, Luke had a headache and flu symptoms. This morning I had it. We were supposed to go to B-town. I call Rain to see if she wants me to come with possible germs. She says come. Xavier is looking forward to the grandparent visit. I was worried. Luke said he felt better, but I was just starting with the symptoms and in the past the trip to B town pushes me over.

Okay, girl. Look for the healing Goddess within. Do your best. The great beings can heal. If we are all the self, then I can heal as well. But can I? Do I have that kind of faith in myself. I'm working on it.

In the car, Luke and I talk about the pyramid power books that we have been reading. We would like to try the technology. We're thinking that someone might be able to construct a little pyramid for us to try. I get this idea. I made a pyramid shape with fingers and hold it over my sore hand. After awhile the hand does feel better and it keeps on feeling better during the day. (not perfect, but better)

Luke usually drives to B town and I drive home. Today he was so tired, he almost let me drive.

I prayed. If I can find healing energy, then Luke has it too. This is strong vibratory energy.

We picked up Xavier. Luke goes into the school as always. It's raining hard. The drive was hard, now Luke got wet. At X's house, Luke takes a nap and I play games with X.

We had decided to skip family dinner and go home early. I believe that driving a long way for a short great visit is worthwhile. I made dinner for the family. Luke and I were going to leave when Rain and Ry came home. But . . . (the best laid plans) Violet was crying. Rain thought she might be getting sick. I showed her the little bag of M&M's that I had for her. She stopped crying and came over for her candy. I put her on my lap and thought peace and healing. She leaned against me and ate her candy. Then she wanted me to read to her.

BUTLER WON. (for all you basketball fans, this is a milestone for courage and determination)

3/24/10 Celebration Dinner with Em and Bobby

On the way to the chiropractor's appointment, I talked to Judy B. She's had a hard few weeks.

I'm going to add her and her family to my prayer list. Then she told me something that truly shocked me. I knew in my heart, but not in my head.

Bapuji is the Indian Saint has been my light and my guide for so many years. I knew that he had a serious illness. I knew last summer that I should have said goodbye, but I kept telling myself that he'd get well. That he'd use the magic of yoga which he could do, and bring his health back.

A great saint often takes on the karma of his spiritual children. So . . . . Judy told me that Bapuji has been very, very ill. It's probably not possible for him to come back to America next summer. In some ways, I hope that he takes care of himself instead.

As Judy shared, I cried. I felt shocked, and sad. Never to see Prem again, how could that be? I thought I might cry in Dr K's office. How to explain tears , when I don't want to share. Luckily, Pat ( an office friend) was there. We always talk. She noticed that I've managed to lose some weight. We talked about giving up sweets and diet secrets. Pat says she doesn't have to diet. I know that isn't true because Dr K told me that she was upset because she wanted to lose more weight. I didn't care. everyone has the right to their own beauty secrets. I have mine. It's interesting how the mind works. It's like meditation. If you focus on the inner space, the mantra , a hatha pose, pranayama , any of the many aspects of meditation or spiritual practice, you won't be pulled along in the tides of maya--daily life. Even if you suffer deep sadness it will take you completely. You'll still be able to ground yourself in the eternal.

After my adjustment, I had chores to do. I tried to focus on the peace within, and my knowledge that Bupuji will always be with me. This time is more difficult because of my concerns for Luke.

Em called to say that she was welcomed with open arms into a dream job. She has worked so hard for this day. She so deserved this moment. She invited us to share dinner with her and Bobby to celebrate. So we went and celebrated.

I thought about something Baba Muktananda used to say, the outer life is a play of light and shadow."

My plan is pray, pray, pray and put my focus on the inner healer.

I had to do some

3/22/10 Meditation Class, Conversation Ride

I teach a meditation class at Mindful Movement Studios. It's one of the most blessed and most favorite things that I do. I teach the class for myself as much as for other people. I love to swim in the peace and the Shakti.

The theme for the class was the vibration of sound--as it comes to us from our world and from the sacred mantras. The students are amazing in this class. Each one brings a peace and a deep connection to their spiritual center. Luke and M.Kate have met Bapuji. In the beginning of class, we each (silently) call God to come and be with us and with each other.

I am personally working on a project. All the great beings tell us that God lives within us, that perfect peace and perfect healing lives within. So I'm working on finding that place within my own being. My goal this year is to exude the peace of the great beings--for my self, for my loved ones and for all those that I come into contact with. I want to become a secret healer.

After class, I felt so at peace with myself and with the world. Luke felt good as well. I talked to Cheryl after class. She told me that she's tried to meditate before but isn't disciplined enough. She also asked me questions about mantra. I think that Cheryl is a deep and pure spirit. I told her that I receive my mantra from the great Indian Saint--Muktananda. He said that to receive a mantra from a realized master is to receive the greatest treasure this world has to offer. The mantra so recieved is alive like a lighted candle and can light your own way and the way of many others. I told her that I pray that my teachers--Baba Muktananda and the great yogic saint, Prem Avadhta, along with all the holy mothers --will be in every class giving people the living mantra. She did understand. Baba used to say that a short meditation every day is best. Cheryl committed to one minute every day ; it's a perfect start.

Cheryl is the mom of a crystal child--Willow. It's a big responsibility.

Luke and I went home for lunch. We had mushroom soup and a sandwich for dinner. Luke and I take a conversation ride every two weeks. We talk about hard subjects. When the ride is over we put the conversations aside and just enjoy our lives. We had a huge breakthrough in our relationship. I'm not ready to discuss it yet. It was a great day and we celebrated with Starbucks.

3/19/10 Commitment.

Starting today, I'm committing to a year of blogging about my meditation journey. I've decided to take my yoga and meditation practice to a new level--to do what I always suggest to my students and what my teachers always underlined for me. Take the practices into my daily life.

Luke had an MD's appointment. Usually we go to our alternative doc--our very alternative doc. Luke hasn't been feeling well. We've tried what Dr L (alternative doc) suggested; Luke still doesn't feel well. He made an appointment with our Osteopath/Western Med authority--Dr H. He was the doc who helped Luke last year when he had a health challenge that noone else could help with.

He's sending Luke for some tests. it freaked me out. I'm very attached to family and loved ones. Any medical test freaks me out, and challenges me to settle into a deeper place. Also, Dr H wants me to get some tests taken. I really have to think about it.

I used my mantra to quiet my mind, and did some thinking about the message of the great teachers (of all traditions). We all have an inner healer. If we could enter our divine inner space, we would all live in perfect health.

Lately I've been asking God to shine through me and to bring more health and joy to all who cross my path. Hummm.

Today is our granddaughter's birthday. Violet is three. We were with her yesterday, and will share a family party next week. She's three, and a charmer. I'm looking forward to sharing her birthday next week.